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On this Christmas morning, do you fret about selecting the perfect present for that someone special? I constantly strive, but everywhere I turn the suggestions flood in with unhelpful suggestions. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, since I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. And I definitely don’t want a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because said DNA comes from milt. If I wanted fish sperm on my face, I would tickle some pollocks.

Finding Ideas From the Natural World

So if you’re always looking for gift ideas, I recommend: learn from wildlife. Our species did not create the act of giving. This tradition has been around for at least 100 million years, well before our species evolved. Aided by evolution, wild animals have had wild animals plenty of time to master gift-giving. Indeed, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their presents!

Excluding exercise-related items and other products I dislike, we can identify five categories of holiday presents: edibles, things for the home, bling, skincare and apparel. Nature's creatures has them all covered.

Culinary Presents: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers

Brazilian cuckoos give their partners nutritious morsels such as insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then look to the great grey shrike, or the butcher bird. The males spear prey, like bugs and rodents, onto pointed thorns and branches crafting impromptu kebabs.

Certain insects present to their suitors salivary offerings, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, created from only the finest saliva from the engorged salivary glands of only the fittest males. This offering is packed with nutrients, which is one reason females prefer males with big balls.

Another reason involves the fittest males produce the largest gifts. When I say “fit” I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, though that may be true. I mean genetic fitness.

These presents are offered prior to mating, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the gift during sex but terminates copulation the moment it’s all gone. Larger gifts result in longer copulation times, where the male can transfer more sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This clarifies the male's motivation for creating such an intricate present.

Homeware and Bling

These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do present things for the home. On the icy continent, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must source their gifts from the local landscape. Every mating season, males collect small stones to begin constructing their nest. The vital building blocks are scarce, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from nearby nests. However, when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the avian version of an engagement ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she wants to get serious, she accepts the pebble and places it into the nest. Subsequently, after a few final adjustments, they are prepared to start their family.

Regarding shiny things, crows excel at this gift category. There are many accounts exist of individuals who have befriended wild crows and later received bottle tops, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, a couple in Florida were once given a bracelet with a diamond by a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming since, whereas most animals offer gifts hoping for mating opportunities, crows seem to give simply for the joy of it.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sponges

Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins plucking clumps of sea sponge from the ocean floor and using them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, while foraging for food, they wear the sponges on their beak to shield their sensitive snouts. And sometimes, when male dolphins wish to woo females, they don them as playful headwear before offering them as gifts.

In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges are clothing and skincare. To make it even better, when males give their sponge gifts, they frequently adopt a curved posture and produce a whistling sound via their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – like a cat presenting a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or some people. Dolphin gifts are considerate, multipurpose, ethically gathered and presented with panache. We can all learn for all of us. A famous singer claims that all she wants during the holidays is a loved one, but if I have single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean that serenades me with style.